While playing a Star Wars Battlefront II game with Jeff in Hilo, HI: while risking my life to save the universe: as Jeff, I mean Kwak, and I, Grub, fought alien forces: I paused to wonder,
11/3/07
why do I have to die doing this?
At one moment, I destroyed this huge gun thing, committing suicide in the process. It was tough and we are not done yet, in the war of the universe. But am I done with myself? Am I going to live in between heart beats or will I risk my life to live my dreams? Will I do what I must, do what is best? Am I willing to die for what is best?
Dying is like a contradiction to what is best.
Dying also takes the gut and heart of a hero. But if the hero is not willing to die then there will be no compliment, instead there will be complication. Without contradiction, what good are heroes and what good are contradiction?
I think about that in the mist of everything.
My life has been in question lately.
Who am I? Who am I living for? Do I really love doing what I do? What do I do everyday? Is it worth it? Is life preparing me for what is next? Am I even taking in everything so that I can be ready for Australia? Am I willing to not go to Australia? Why do I want to go there next year? Am I crazy? What must I do when I awake early each morning? How important are people? How can I encourage people, help people, or what do I do best?
How do I look in a beard? How good was my bell ringing skills during Friday night, as I rung for Salvation Army's money-raising kettle, that will later help the poor for Christmas? How am I with the Angel Tree, Friday and Saturday? Am I destined to be a writer alongside jetplane tree duck Jeff Walters of Antelope, California? Am I willing to die? Am I willing to live contradiction over complication?
Can I make a difference in the lives of the kids at this new area in Hilo, Hawaii, until 12/17/07 when I return to Honolulu, HI? Will I give it all I got? Why do kids love me so much, ae beyond L4, yeah?
But I must stop, you think?
