Becoming a Youth Pastor

Yesterday, while playing one-on-one basketball with a Hispanic guy who was about the age of sixteen, at my ghetto, in the park, I started thinking, "I should become a basketball coach." This is the part where I tell you all about my love for basketball. And this is also the part where I talk about everything, about who I am becoming, where I have been, who I am becoming. You can imagine how clueless it can be to be so indecisive. You have probably met somebody like this. God help you, if you are somebody like this. Somebody who wants to do one thing on one day but another thing on the next. Somebody who cannot make up their mind on what they want to do in their life and all. Somebody who wants to do too many things. Somebody who gets too distracted and never finds the lever to focus. Somebody who thinks too much and acts to little. Somebody who is naturally prone to argue, to defend themselves, to offend others, to be blind, to be innocent, and yet to be guilty, too, and more. Somebody who is too selfish, too self-centered, too clueless at the real world. I am sure that you know people like that. I know they may not be that messed up. For me, I know that I have been even more worse than all that. I can be double minded, counterdictive, or a big pain in the behinds. But I know that the older I get, the more I am becoming something else, the more I am drifting away from all that. I mean, sure, I can have all the good motives in the world, on my side, but if I have not love (1Cor.13) then I am nothing. I mean, I need to have balance, drive, love, faith, and joy. That is my focus. I can tell you more, too, if we had time. And I am still trying to learn from all this. I am learning from my weakness and all. I am getting better and all. And yet, at the same time, I need to realize that I have a heart for the youth!

I have a heart for the youth!

I was born and raised in a dysfunctional family, below the line of poverty, inside a trailer, in the ghetto, in Forest Grove, OR, alongside an older brother, a younger sister, an older sister, a mom, and a dad. Beyond all the details of struggle, of abuse, of alcohol, of pain, of so much, for all of us, came endurance, came passion, came vision, for us siblings, at least. Gain is coming, daily, through the pain, through the fight, through the process. Through where I am, and who I am, comes who I am becoming. All the pieces of life are Lego pieces, are blocks, are puzzle pieces, are tools, are vital, no matter what: through the process of putting them together, can come a masterpiece (Ro.8:28). I am pondering my life, trying to figure out who I was, where I have been, where I am going, who I am becoming and all. Remember, still, however, that I will not get all the answers or whatever. But I can feel my heart forming. The process of life is changing my heart.

Where am I going?

If it had not been for my mom, who homeschooled me until I entered public high school at the age of fifteen, where would I be? My dad was rarely there to teach me basketball, yard work, or other man skills. In high school, my dreams for making movies, for writing, for getting a girl, for making money, etc, grew: yet, somehow, I changed my mind and applied to Bible College (Word Of Life Bible Institute), in New York. Pete Steele, my favorite missionary, as of right now, in Oregon, purshased a plane ticket for me, so that I could get to New York. Later, a friend of mine, Sarah McLean, gets me a plane ticket, so I can visit home for a Christmas. I was only going to stay in Bible college for one year. However, my heart start changing. I started realizing that I needed an additional year at the college which offered only Bible and mission classes, for up to two years. I ended up applying to their second year program. I applied for their Impact Team, which is a traveling ministry team, alongside the east coast of the USA. They sing, and they do missionary work, almost like Revolution Hawaii. I was going to do that after my second year of college. But I was not accepted. That broke my heart. I have not told a lot of people about this. It reminds me of not making the basketball team during high school. These kind of things make me want to give up. But God is always there, saying, "No, do not stop, keep going! Go seek out what you are best at and go do that!" After my two years in New York, I was able to find a ride to West Virginia, about two days before I needed to get to my second Bible College (Appalachian Bible College). This reminds me of what my mom would tell me. She would tell me how things would get easier in college, that I would discover what I want to do with my life. Part of me wants to object to all of that and say that I am more clueless now than ever before. But if we had time, I would have to object to myself because I am not clueless. But sometimes I feel that way. In West Virginia, I told myself not to like girls. In other words, don't date girls, don't spend too much time with them. Because I needed to keep some of my scholarships to pay for my school bills. I did not want to get distracted. I need to keep decent grades, say above a 3.0 GPA, or something. Somehow, I started liking a girl. I felt all weird inside. I mean, I've liked girls before and all. And I wasn't dating them. But they were on my mind. I mean, she was on my mind. And sometimes, I can wish I had no feelings because those things can betray me and all. I ended up telling her and all. And she felt flattered and she offered me encouragement and all. The girl told me to stay at it. And she's praying for me and all. At the end of my third year, I was able to fly back home, to Oregon, from West Virginia. I cannot remember who helped me with that. But this reminds of how popular I am or whatever. I mean, people keep on helping me. And sometimes I wonder if I am ever giving back to people enough. I know that I am not rich. But I cannot live off people. I want to help people. I do. My heart is for that. I get sad when people have to help me. I do not like asking for help. And all this stuff. But anyways, I got back home, at the end of my third year of college, and I started supporting my mom. My dad left her, around March of 2007. I got back there about two months after that. My mom started working as a dishwasher at Maggie's Buns, some restaurant. But my mom has health problems. And all this stuff. And Bipolar. And financial problems. And I became a Wilderness Camp Counselor, that summer, at a Salvation Army camp. And I had some money from West Virginia, already. And I raised up about $2,000 for my mom and all. And I was going to stay there in that trailer and all. And help my mom because who else would. But somehow, my mom encouraged me to attend Revolution Hawaii. This is a long story. I got really emotional, last fall. I was making the decision to go, around this time, last year. I was in the middle of no where, last year, about twelve months ago. I had no idea where I was going or anything. I never felt so much pain and everything before, as of right then. I really thought I should help my mom. I thought, "Who is going to help you Mom?" But she told me that I should not miss this opportunity. And I bought a plane ticket off my mom's credit card, about twenty-four hours before I needed to get there in Hawaii. Again, this happened at the last second.

I am always going at the last second!

Miracles always seem to happen at the last second. We usually lose faith. But God is always believing in us and in destiny. I think. And last year, everything happened so fast. And as for my mom, she ended up getting saved from Bill, a guy she dated in high school, in the 1960's, back in Roseburg, OR. She moved into Bill's care-giving house, alongside five or more other folks, some who smoke, who are always coming in and out. The place is over crowded. My mom is still getting second-hand smoking. Had to see the doctors for the side-effects in her throat. Long story. And she is in credit-card debt by over $10k. Long story and all. But for me, I ended up in Hawaii. And out of no where, I was told about California. Yeah, I would love to live there. I mean, that was back around February, 2008, around my birthday and all. I was looking for another college, online, or thinking about my future plans. I was going to have backup plans. I mean, I was going to have my life mapped out. But somehow, I never made up my mind or something. Long story. But I am not even sure what happened. I am trying to figure this all out right now. I was looking forwards to the fall of 2008. I am not even sure if I reapplied to the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, IL. I had a big list of colleges. I had a lot of ideas. I had a lot of potential backup plans. And I even had some jobs in mind, too. I kept the information at my email account. I was thinking a lot about the fall of 2008. I had high hopes and all. But I might have thrown away all of that. I am not exactly sure what happened. I can only blame myself for all of this. I am not blaming anybody else. And I cannot blame anybody else. I feel like all of this is complicated. I feel like people barely understand even half of this story. And I have learned so much during this past year. And I did not throw away all of my dreams, all of my backup plans and all. I had one idea. My idea was, 'Go to California.' Why? Long story. Hard to say. I am not sure how to explain it. And I still want to go and all, but still. You might have heard that I disqualified myself from that idea, that opportunity, that dream, and all. That is true, in many aspects. You may have heard me say that I was innocent about all of that, about all this. But let me clarify and say that I really thought that I was innocent and it sure felt like that. And when I say innocent, I often am referring to being ignorant, to being blind and unaware of the real world. Now, beyond all of that, whether I be innocent or not, I know now that I am guilty and not innocent. And it does not matter if I didn't know any better and all. And I can tell you about how my heart is changing. I can tell you how am changing how I do things, how I speak, what I do, and all.

I am changing!

If we had time, I would tell you about how my heart is changing and all. And it hurts and all. And I am not even sure what is going on. And I can tell you how I am tired of being rude, of being ignorant, of being so offensive. I am tired of hurting people. And I am seeking redemption, a better path and way. If we had time, I would tell you about the details. But beyond all that is the state of my heart. And my heart, deep inside, spiritually, does hurt and all. No pain then no gain. And yet, this is all so scary. A year ago, I was feeling stressful and unsure and heavy-hearted and a little broken-hearted, and I was willing and all. And I ended up going to Hawaii. Now, one year later, I am back to where it all started, back in my ghetto, in my trailer, alongside my dad and his girl friend. And I am thinking about what I need to do in life and all. And my uncle died last week. And we had a reunion last week. And at the reunion, my grandmother mocked me. Because I am suppose to plan ahead. I told her that she was right and that I was an idiot for not planning ahead. I want ed to tell her that I did plan ahead and stuff. But ahhh. Anyways, I am in a very weird situation, right now. I am at the age of twenty-three and I am living with my dad and his girl friend, in a trailer that is twenty-five years old, where the plumbing breaks every month or so, where the electricity is short-circuiting. And if we had time, I would talk about all of that. But I am handling this situation somehow. And I am learning to love my dad and the lady. And I can say so much about all this. But beyond all this is light at the end of the tunnel.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

At the start of this post, at the title, at the header, above, I wrote, "Becoming a Youth Pastor," because I feel drawn to the youth, and I love teaching. I think I am becoming this. In West Virginia, my major had to be in Bible, but my minor was in becoming a pastor! I almost had the minor specifically in youth pastor. And on one hand, I can tell you about all the things that I like. I like making movies, art, writing, basketball, talking to people, adventures, building things, video games, etc. And we could conclude that I am too distracted and that I do not have a focus or a clue on a pursuit for a career. And that is true in many ways. And I do need to work on that, on going after just one thing and all. So true and all, don't get me wrong. But at the same time, on this other hand, all of those things are only side desires, or tools, or puzzle pieces, to the heart and core to what I love and live for, and that is inside L4OJ, Living 4 Only Jesus.

L4OJ: Living 4 Only Jesus !

Beyond all of my pursuits, my interests, my hobbies, or whatever, is L4OJ, is my desire to let other people know what they need to know as a communicator, speaker, writer, and father! I know that I am not a father yet. And I can barely see myself even dating a girl at all. Why? Because I always mess things up when I am with a girl or anything. Oh wait, I have never been with a girl anyways. I have never had a girl friend. Which is even worse. Because I always seem to scare them away or call them ugly. I have done that about two times or so. And I am sick of that. Now a days, I don't think I can joke around anymore. I might joke again but I am not sure if I can. Because I do not want to hurt people. And I sure do not want to hurt girls. At this moment, I do not want to get in a relationship with a girl at all. I mean, I like girls and want to get married and all. But maybe not right now. I feel too weird and all for all of that. Well, we'll see what happens and all. Because God is full of surprises. But I need to be focus and do whatever that is best. And so anyways, I need to L4OJ. And yet, I hope I don't seem too unrealistic to you. My mom would tell me to be more realistic because I am always dreaming. Well, I can tell you so many dreams and all. I can tell you that I want to be the president of the USA, someday. And that I want to be a world-leader-trainer. And how I want to be a inspirational speaker. And all. But for now, I am not sure what is going on. One thing at a time!

One thing at a time! One day at a time!

I can tell you about the many messes that I am going through, in my life, and all those details, and how it feels hopeless (even through, I know better than to think that), and how I am in a cloud right now, and about the many people in my life, and about my dreams for someday, and I do have good arguments, and I do need help and all, or whatever, but beyond all that is today! And I think that I am going to find a roomie in Portland, OR, get a job, and attend community college, or online college, and get an AA degree first, and then think about other key things that I need to be able to do, and learn to drive, and normal things like that, and possible get a teacher's degree because I can see myself as a teacher at a secular State University, for the rest of my life!

I can become a teacher at a secular university!

I can tell you so much about why I would love to do this. I am not absolutely sure. And I am still thinking about all this. But it seems best for this. People are very open to thinking in college. And I love college and all. And if we had time, I would tell you about all of that and all. I mean, I also feel that I need to become a youth pastor and travel the world and write books and all. And I can say so much about all that, if we had time, but anyways. I need to be a teacher , beyond anything. Therefore, in the here and now, I need to do more schooling, find a house to really live (because the trailer I live in is falling apart and all, and etc), and get a job. What kind of job? I am not sure!

Beyond all this, I am a visionary!
And I am a pioneer!
And I am a lover!
And I am a fighter!

And I am very picture-orientated!
I can learn and teach through pictures!
I have to see it!