Head Strait Forwards

O.2008.8.30.z.12ppj.L4.163. L.2008.8.31.s.8ppj.L4.162.

Yesterday, again, I was talking to Debbie, my dad's girl-friend (since he divorced my mom, early in 2008), back in our trailer (the one I was raised in), in this ghetto, in Forest Grove, Oregon (an hour west from Portland), about heading strait forwards.

Every once in a while, during the last two weeks, I find myself 'preaching' to Debbie (who decided to smoke outside, on my behalf, all day, everyday), talking to her, encouraging her, listening to her, and all. The older I get, the more I spend time with people, the more I really listen to them, the more I continue to learn to really love people, the more I learn to make a difference by being the difference, the more I continue to start living for revolution and all!

You can do anything you want in life! You have that freedom!

But you better do what you must do!

I was telling her not to let anything stop her from going after whatever that she needs in life. I painted her this picture of focus, of determination, of progression, of revolution, of going after destiny, of going after what we need most in life, of going after what we love most in life, of going after what we are living for (L4) in life, of going after our dreams (given that it is meant to be)!

I mean, I am being patient, I am being persistent, and I am trying to stick some logic into her head, in love, in truth, in time, in simplicity, and all. I am learning to speak the truth in love. I am trying to really show her that I care and all. Every once in a while, I tell her that I care. And at the same time, I tell her about what I believe, about what I really think about life, about me, about her, about God.

And she tells me that she cares, that she loves me!

Especially since my dad is planning to get married (his third marriage) to her.

And she told me yesterday that she wants to turn around!

She is telling me this now.

She is wanting to turn around, she is wanting to change, she is seeking to eat more, to drink less, to smoke less, to go after a better life.

She has an apartment in Portland. She was not allowed to sneak my dad over to her place. But my dad kept on sneaking over to the premise, around ten times, during the last ten months. Several days ago, she received the notice, that she is facing termination, for her apartment. My dad is not allowed at her place, any more. And during the last two weeks, she has spent each day and night, in majority, literally at my dad's place, where I am, where I was born and raised at, in this ghetto of mine. She wants to stay with my dad. But she does not want to give up on the apartment. Her 'accountability-partner' pleads that she keeps the apartment. Debbie, therefore, is split to make a decision. My dad can get a truck and move her stuff from her place to his, to the trailer, where I am.

I was bold enough to paint her more of a picture! I have been telling her to remember that my dad has been choosing to live a certain kind of life, similar to the same kind of life that she is daily choosing to pursue, likewise.

Plus, I contrasted that pattern of lifestyle with her desire for a change lifestyle!

Yesterday, I had her scribble down personal goals, to hang onto.

I dared her to daily remind herself about those goals!

"Go tell yourself, tell God, tell those that you care about, tell my dad..."

I pleaded, "Take little steps... learn to love what you do have... and go after more..." and to take your time. I reminder her of my dad's life-cycle, that he goes from woman to woman, in life and all. He has been aware of the possibility of changing this lifestyle, for around four decades, as he is turning age fifty-eight (7/24, 1950), next month. But my dad has not heed to the daily pleads (to an alter lifestyle) from my mom, during their 28 years of marriage.

I told her that I know that she loves my dad. I know that he loves her and all. But I have been reminding her of the dangerous cycle that we get stuck in.

I told her, today, "I know that you are scared of losing my dad. I know that you do not want to lose that..." But then I painted this picture, that she is holding onto that drop of love, from my dad, but that she needs to look at the swimming pool of Jesus, that love comes from God and all. I was giving her this illustration to try to motivate her. I have been talking to her about how she needs to be focused on goals, or even on Jesus. And I have been listening to her, even when she repeats herself a bunch (her brain must be damaged or something, according to the way that she talks. I am not trying to be rude, however. I am just trying to say this).

But she does not get mad at me.

She has been telling me that she does not get mad at me. For the last two weeks, I have been mostly listening to her. But during the last couple of days, I have started to dared her to live a better life. And she has decided that she wants to live a better life. But she wants to stay with my dad, too. And I have been convicting her, encouraging her, daring her to head strait forwards.

Go after the two things: my dad, and after destiny!

I have been telling her about that kind of focused, the last couple of days! Leave that drop of love that you have, and jump into the swimming pool of love, and if you can, get my dad to come along. But continue to head that direction, daily. And you are going to mess up, from time to time, but do not let that depress you. Get back up, through the power of Jesus, and get back to business. Do not let the distractions, the past, or anything from keeping you from going after love, after destiny and all. I have been telling her the story of this kind of perseverance, of this kind of dedication, of this kind of revolution that can blossom in the hearts of all of us. And she has thanked me, daily, and often, for the things that I tell her.

But Debbie is also getting mad at me.

Debbie, my dad's girl friend, will not admit to it, that she gets mad at some of the suggestions of mine. I told her that she needs to be honest, that she hates my preaching because it makes her feel guilty. I mean, being honest about our thoughts is the first step towards progression. I told her that progression is a big word. And being honest is an element of repentance, which enables change. I was upset because she was not being transparent, she was not being honest, she was lying in the face and contrast of her own desire for change. Her desire for change was being intercepted by her clinging to her lifestyle of talking, of living. I confronted her about that. I told her that she was mad at me, and she got mad that I also said that, too. But she would not admit it. She kept on telling me, in her steaming five-year-old-girl voice, that she was not mad at me, but that she could not handle this or that or whatever. She has been trying to tell me that is not getting mad at me, that she does not know me that well, also, and about how she loves me so much, that she loves my dad so much and all. But I can tell through the tone of her voice and all. I basically confronted her on all of that and all, several hours ago. My dad was around, and he got mad at all of this. He told me not to make her mad or anything.

Do not tell me that I have to follow Jesus.

That is what she was trying to say, and what she is getting mad about. She told me, yesterday, that she wants to live a better life and all. But at the same time, she does not want to be a Christian, or to be religious, or do those kind of things that she is not fond of. I mean, she went to Sunday School, as a kid, but that was about forty years ago. And God always seem to be so far away. And God seems to be invisible. And that is why we seek after love from elsewhere. And I was telling her about that.

And she started telling me that I cannot cram Jesus down her throat. I cannot force her to believe it. I cannot try to make her go after that. I mean, she wants to have a better life, and I believe that she can only have a better life through Jesus.

I believe in God!

She told me that she believes in God and all. And we started talking about that, today and yesterday. I mentioned how even the demons believe in God. We all have this feeling that there is a God, I think. I told her about how all of that is normal. I told her about how we need more than simple facts. We need to think about life differently, to enable change, to enable revolution and all. I told that God is not there to just be up there in the sky. God is meant to be experienced, right now, and God is meant to be known, and God is meant to be sought after, and God is meant to be followed, and God is meant to guide our lives and all. And that is how we can head strait forwards in life, and I think that is the only way to head forwards. And I painted the picture of the gospel, to her today, of how we fell in a hole (Ro.5:12) through Adam and Eve. And so, it is not so much about what we do but more on who we are as sinners. And then I started talking about how Jesus came to give us a way out of that hole, if we choose to believe in it, so that we can be given the opportunity of progression, the opportunity to journey out of the hole and into the realm of paradise! She started thinking about that.

But she started becoming confused.

She accused me of stuffing Jesus into her spiritual stomach. "I believe in God," she told me, but she did not want to follow Jesus, so to speak, or something like that. She started getting really mad about the specifics of these kind of thoughts. If you believe in demon-possession, then you can conclude that her demons are upset. But you can say, also, or however, that she is also deeply upset about the idea of following Jesus. Maybe. I mean, her siblings have all died, at different times, in her life. And she is all alone. And she does not want to lose my dad. Because she wants that love. And I was telling her that she needs to seek after that love but from Jesus.

Do what you must do!

Go after destiny!

Head strait forward!

Do not just go after what you want in life!

Go after what you care about the most!

That is what I have been telling her, that she needs to go after destiny, that she needs to decide for herself what destiny is, that she needs to go after that.

I was not stuffing Jesus down her throat, I did not even tell her that she had to follow Jesus, I was not even raising my voice at her, but she started raising her voice at me, and I know that people have raised their voice at me before (like while I was in Hawaii, for example).

Beyond this, I started playing this song on the piano, one that I started writing in the shadows of Lincoln Hawk (on a keyboard at this Camp Arnold, several weeks ago, in Washington state), a song that I call "I Just Want To See You Smile," and as I played that song, Debbie postponed her smoking, and she came back into the trailer to listen to me play on my mom's Steinway & Sons (made in 1926, apx.) piano, and I may have included a few subliminal messages while singing the song, but Debbie and my dad loved the song. And she loves that I am learning guitar and all, too. And before she and my dad left tonight for something, she hugged me again.